Lets Talk about Reality

I was supposed to write a post on Thursday. Each of the sisters try to post something once a week. I haven't written for two. I want to tell you why. 

When my sisters and I were talking about starting this blog, they all had these incredible ideas of things they could post, and share, and write about. They are all incredible wives and mothers. I was worried about not having anything to post about that people would want to read. But then my little brother sent me this: 

"In a blog filled with how-to's and fancy meals, we need you to bring it back down to earth, to tell these women that there is more to life than what you can make, that that woman inside needs to be examined from time to time. How to be honest, accountable, faithful. How to reach their full potential which has no correlation with how many crafts they can do. You need to remind them that you sisters are all women just like them who struggle, laugh, cry, and sometimes just get too tired to do anything."

I want to tell you about a woman I know who tried to be perfect at everything. She was crafty, she was thrifty, she made incredible meals, she had 5 kids (at one time 3 of them in diapers), she sewed Easter dresses, she had all of them looking perfect for church on Sunday. She had them all doing piano lessons, dance, and sports. She was the perfect mom.

Little did people know, she was struggling on the inside to be that perfect person that everyone thought you should be at that time. She turned to prescription medications and became addicted to them just so she could get through the day. This is what she resorted to because she thought she had to be perfect in the eyes of society. Is this what we as women should be doing to ourselves to be what society thinks we need to be?

How many of us feel that way? How many of us feel like its almost a competition? Especially with things we see on pinterest or different blogs. The awesome pictures our friends post on social media portraying how "perfect" their life is. I am here to tell you, you do not have to be "her." In fact, please do not be her! Yes pin and post and things for fun but don't do it because you think you have to. Please start showing yourself without makeup when you take the kids to school, please let people know that your child maybe sat in front of Curious George all day because you just couldn't do it. Please let others know that you struggle. We can't build each other up and support each other if we all just think things are perfect and that we are the only one that struggles with one issue or another. You could be struggling with parenting, you could be struggling with weight, you could be struggling with spirituality, infertility, depression, marriage problems, a wayward child, drugs yourself, and the list goes on. It is a silent battle that we deal with on your own everyday and we shouldn't have too. I want to share one of my struggles with you.

Growing up I always pictured how my life would turn out. Graduate high school, marry a returned missionary, and have lots of kids! That is the only thing in my life that I wanted. It still is. I was going to be the perfect wife and mother. I KNEW that is what my purpose in life was to do. 

After high school I sent off a missionary and wrote him pretty faithfully for 2 years. He came home and the timing was just off. He would be ready and I wouldn't. Then I would be ready and he wouldn't. I dated quite a few different guys and things just never worked out. 

I never planned on going to college for a long period of time let alone graduate from it (cuz I just wanted to be a stay at home mom) and yet here I am today with a bachelors degree in nursing. I saw all of my friends get married and have kids. One tough day for me was when my little brother got married before me. I really struggled with that. I was now the only sibling in the family that wasn't married. Why was my life turning out this way? This is not how it was supposed to be! I was not meant to be a lone, and yet that is how I feel.

Over this period of time I started wondering what was wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough, is it my size, am I too loud, too opinionated, too educated, is it because I don't like snowboarding and hiking, is my hair the wrong color, am I not funny enough, too sarcastic, too conservative, etc. etc. etc. Why am I not married? People ask me that all the time "So how come your not married yet? Is something wrong with you?" I am sick of trying to figure out an answer to that ever present question.

So here I am 28 and single. Yes I have a career, I have a house, and I am an aunt to soon to be 12 nieces and nephews! Don't get me wrong, I love those things, but what is my purpose now?

This is what I have been trying to learn about myself. What is my purpose? My sweet 7 year old niece told me the other day when we were talking about my job as a nurse "it is like you are saving a piece of the world."

I was kind of taken back by this comment. Here I was this whole time WAITING for my purpose in life to happen to me, WAITING to be the perfect wife and mother, WAITING on a marriage that I thought would bring me to my full potential. While I have been waiting, I have been missing out on what potential I have and what purpose I have already been fulfilling. 

I'm not going to say I have found it and am great with the way things are, because it is something I have to work on everyday. But I will say, that through some experiences I have had just recently and decisions I have had to make, I have really had to take the time and find my worth.

I was having a conversation with my dad and we were talking about how I was always trying to change things and control things. A new car, a new house, a new hair style. I discovered that through these changes I have been trying to make myself worthy to me. Does that make sense? My family can tell me all they want that I am an important part of them, my boss can talk about how I am a key team member in their company, my patients can tell me about how great I am as their nurse and how they couldn't do it without me. But until I love myself, and have a sense of self-worth those are all just small drops in a cup. 

So this is what I am trying to do. I am working on loving me for who I am. Learning about me and who I am and who I want to be. This is something that I have just started to let myself face and I have a long way to go but hopefully we can do it together. Lets learn to love who we are for what we are right now. Not love who we think we will be when we have this or that, or can do this or that. What is one thing you love about yourself today? Right now? In this moment? Recognize it. Build on it. Cherish it. Hold onto that small piece of self-worth you have right now. Just for today. Be ok with that piece and tomorrow you can worry about the next one.